Change

In your absence I have become a creature made up of agony and hope, not a day goes by when you don’t enter my mind. even in my dreams, I can’t seem to rid the thought of you, haunting me like a ghost of regret, and love. I’ve accepted the fact that you will forever linger within my being, and whether you like it or not I will linger within you as well. This is the fate lovers must endure, for in our union we became entangled, and in our separation we endure the pains that come as we attempt to disentangle ourselves, although we may be successful to some extent, the thorns of love remain embedded within us. We become part of each other’s roots, so whatever new things spring from our being it’ll carry parts of each other, for which I’ll happily carry.

As we entered new eras in our lives, it was always my intention to enter them alongside you. Our new jobs, you graduating, my last year of college, and any new things that we naturally encounter through life, did we not make this evident in our promises, to go on trips, to game, to build a PC. Those plans we made, did you intend to keep them? When you returned my clothes was that what you meant? We are bound to change Nissa, especially in our age where we have so much to learn and experience, one of the many reasons I loved you was the effect you had on me, you made me want to be a better person, kinder and stronger, for your sake and mine, you were my companion, my lover, my friend.

I always loved hearing how your day was, no matter how mundane, and what changes and opportunities you took advantage of, I will never forget the call you gave me when you got your job at Starbucks, you and your happenings were the highlights of my day but now its as if we are strangers, worlds apart. So much has changed, my new job as a software engineer, a full-time offer from Phillips 66, and adopting a new cat, Cherry, who I found on the stairwell during a storm.

Whenever you talked of home It was never of Houston, it felt as if you never truly considered it one, when you did it was of your childhood, of Ohio, of Florida, of Austin. Though I was born and raised here I never really saw myself living here, at least in my 20’s and so I would have loved to join you wherever work or life took us, it may sound cheesy but to me, home was with you, wherever we made it. From Chicago to Denver, from New York to San Francisco we would have found our version of Summer Moon, of Cabo, our the Vietnamese spot, wherever we went, to explore, to learn, to grow.

Are we bound to the cycle of giving ourselves to others, to be hurt, to leave, or to be left by others? Nissa with you I found someone I could grow with, who like a tree weathering the seasons, withstand any challenges, the changes we will face, with you Nissa, I found someone I love.m I love you, Nissa, the time we have spent apart could not change that, if anything it has strengthened my resolve, and my faith in our love, and I continue to yearn for you. Whilst we may change Nissa the person you fell in love with remains, the person you wrote those sweet letters and poems to, who you traveled thousands of miles for, remains within me. I would not be here writing to you, if I did not believe in us, if I did not believe we could change for each other, if I did not believe I could make you happy, make you whole. Let the existence of this website serve as just one example of the fact that I could change, that I have changed. I’ve exhausted the means I could reach out to you, to show you how much I love you and how I could change while not being able to speak to or see you, but I promise you if you gave me a chance Nissa you would see all that I claim and more. By the time you get to see this, you would have graduated already, I wish I could have attended, I still remember the promise we made that I would attend, congratulations Nissa you earned it through hard work and effort, through trial and tribulation, you deserve this and much more. Some would say, I hope you find happiness even if its not with me, and to some degree I do hold that sentiment, but I would be lying if I said my love for you was selfish, because what I want more than anything is for you to be happy with me, for you to be mine and I yours.

You asked one of the last few times to say what I wanted to say, and what I said then I still feel now, I want you to be my girlfriend, Nissa, let us connect our bracelets once more.