He was a lonely cynic
No hero nor a villain inside
Until he had a vision
She had golden eyes and spoke her mind
As of writing this, it is one year since the day I first met you. It was through sheer astronomical chance that our paths ever crossed. If it wasn’t for you joining that call at the same time I was there, if it wasn’t for the trip I had planned that coincidentally led me to San Marcos, we would never have met, and thus we would have never fallen in love. From the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were special, every aspect of you seized me. I couldn’t help but turn over every word out of your mouth, and observe every gesture and expression, no matter how minute, it’s no surprise I ended up driving us to the wrong city! Even when I was out of my mind, as I turned restlessly the thought of seeing you kept me focused, I knew I had to see you even if it could’ve been the last time. I can’t imagine the impression I caused that Sunday we had breakfast, I must’ve looked half mad, but despite that, you gave me a chance, we talked about tarot, we talked fashion, music, and books, you let me into your home and gave me a gift, the book Dracula. I’m not sure I ever made it clear how important that moment was to me, your charity, your gift bound me to you. I resolved myself at that moment to repay your kindness, I made a promise that if I were ever to see you again I’d always bring you a gift, no matter how small, flowers, chocolates, Cabo, souvenirs from my trips, anything I could get ahold of.
I was comfortable where I was, at a glance, I had everything someone my age could ask for, good health, an education, an early career, friends and family that cared for me, to me a relationship seemed something so far away until you came along. The power you had over me from then on could not be overestimated, your grasp over me only strengthened from then on, and the thought of you consumed me. Yours was a power that tore down my walls, before you, I never considered giving myself over to someone much less someone I just met, and slowly “me” became “we”. And that’s why I knew that if I were to keep you in my life, If I were to build anything with you, I would have to do things the right way, to take things slow, to take you out on dates, to shower you with gifts, to not overstep, to be the person, the man you deserved. And eventually, we fell in love, the day you said those words, “I love you”, you made me the happiest man in the world, on the trip back I could not stop myself from smiling and singing, but the truth was, I was in love with you much beforehand.
I love everything about you, each day, every second I spent with you I found new things to love, I love the sound of your laugh, the way it painted the air with its sweetness, how I wish I was a comedian so I could hear it every day. I love your aroma, the way it left its imprint on my clothes, in my sheets, how I could spend an eternity with you so I could bathe in your aroma. I love the color of your eyes, your skin and hair, that of a glowing summer sunset. From the way you dotted your I’s, to the way you felt under me, how you’d melt, how you’d sigh to my whispers and kisses. You’re what the artist seeks to capture, what the philosopher contemplates, what the adventurer journeys to find, what lovers promise one another, what dreamers dream of, what I care for the most. Most of all Nissa, I love you because of how you felt the world around you, how you saw the world, you were so sensitive to the world and despite the suffering you’ve endured, you remained earnest, you remained sweet, you remained warm. We may have expressed ourselves differently but in that regard we were the same. I remember the time you asked me if I thought that in the act of us sleeping together, we were making love, and to you my answer was yes. We didn’t just make love then, we made love in the thousands of miles we traveled to see each other, we made love by going out for sweet treats, in the words we said to each other, in you showing me your old videos, in me driving as soon as I landed from Mexico, Nissa, in all that we did we, in all we experienced, we declared our love for each other, ours was a once in a lifetime love, not something found on a dating app but through astronomical odds, a conspiracy by the earth and its movements, by forces beyond our understanding, that we met and fell in love.
Love is not something we either give or receive but something you cultivate, it is something you fight for, think of the lover who sacrificed something they held dear, who built something in the name of another, who waited, love has started wars, and ended, to me this is in part what love is. When I see an old couple on a park bench, at a cafe, I can’t help but be moved for I see the efforts the sacrifice they endured to cultivate that love, Nissa, love like ours has faced worse and prevailed, because I love you I write to you now. This website would not have been possible without you, although in its current state, it remains unpolished and rough, much like our love and relationship I hope to cultivate, to build and perfect it. So please Nissa, explore not just the section I dedicated for you, containing all I meant and still wish to say, but the other sections as well so you can peer into my thoughts and future projects.
At the Crossroads 