Trust

Trust did not come easy to you, I can think of multiple times where you did not believe me, when you assumed the worst, I do not blame you Nissa, I also know I wasn’t the only subject to your mistrust. I remember the time you got your new job offer that a rift appeared between you and your friend, when all you saw from her were slights, and to you my advice was to believe in her, to trust in ya’lls friendship and trust in the possibility of a reconciliation, in truth I hoped you would also take that sentiment to heart and apply it to me when the time came. By loving you I accepted the risk of that mistrust being turned on me, I saw how you blocked others out, I saw how you believed in the worst in others.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and our trust it seems was a shaky one. At times you thought the worst of me, the time I was at my friends house at 1am, you believed I slept with someone else, the time I returned something to my friends house in the morning, you thought I was dropping someone off. What was me going to the gym to look for you, to be strong enough to carry you, you saw as an excuse for me see someone else. What was me being drained from school and work you saw as me losing interest in you. When I asked you to stop crying, it wasn’t out of annoyance, but out of empathy, how I hated to see you hurt, to see you cry caused me greatest of pains.

Part of me wishes some of those accusations were true, if only I didn’t love you I wouldn’t have to suffer so much now, I could run off with whoever you thought I would run off to. But Nissa, the truth is I was only ever faithful to you, all I said then and all I’ve written to you since has been the truth. Let the letters I’ve written to you since, the grief I feel, this website stand as testaments to my love for you, my faith, and my trust. If only we had the strength to have faith in one another, to trust, the strength to have those hard-to-have conversations, maybe the distrust, the misunderstanding wouldn’t have poisoned the fruits of love we worked too hard to cultivate. But it is because I trust, I believe that we could have those conversations, that we could grow to have faith and trust in one another that I hope to rebuild what we have.